then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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