dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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