I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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