Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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