Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
