singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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