Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Randomize
