The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
