just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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