Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
