i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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