Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
