What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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