i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
