Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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