I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
