I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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