Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
