I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
