the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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