just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
either way he was missing a nipple.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
