Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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