the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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