My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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