my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
