Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
