Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
