I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
