Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
