Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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