I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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