i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
