I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
