Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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