rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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