new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
