The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
