Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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