ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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