well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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