I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
