does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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