so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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