I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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