Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
