i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
