Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
