You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
