I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
