it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
