my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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