Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
